There are many reasons why siblings fight. In these situations, parents are often faced with a dilemma: "Should I intervene in the conflict, or is it better to let them resolve it on their own?"
To answer this question, it is necessary to understand what factors underlie children's arguments, what they serve and, if so, when and how to intervene.
Peculiarities of childhood emotions
Joy, sadness, anger, fear, surprise and disgust are the six so-called primary emotions that exist in humans from the earliest stages of development. This means that people are born with a predisposition to understand and express emotions.
Gradually, from the age of three, secondary emotions appear, which, although based on primary emotions, are more complex and conditioned by the environment: jealousy, envy, empathy, pride, etc.
All of these emotions play a vital role in human experience, survival, and development; they shape the way we perceive and engage with the world.
Emotions in childhood have certain particularities. They are characterised above all by their versatility (children move from one emotion to another with relative ease), their intensity (emotion is omnipresent) and their simplicity (emotional complexity develops with experience).
Emotions are closely related to temperament, a set of innate behaviours in response to environmental stimuli. In psychology, three basic temperaments are distinguished: difficult, slow and easy, which depend on a number of variables such as the amount of movement, regulation of sleep, feeding and excretion, the degree of distractibility, the reaction to novelty, adaptation to environmental changes, the time the child spends on an activity, the sensitivity threshold, the intensity of the reaction and the general mood.
Temperament is the biological part of personality. It remains static and stable during the development of the person.
Siblings are more similar to each other than two people without a socio-affective bond. However, the most striking differences between them are aspects that depend on temperament. It is precisely for this reason that, in the family environment, differences in temperament will influence the nature of the relationships they have.
The “usefulness” of disputes
Although children's arguments can create an uncomfortable family atmosphere, they are useful: they allow children to identify what makes them angry, learn to set limits, and develop problem-solving strategies, among other things.
They are also part of a learning process in which social norms are transmitted and established. They allow children to understand reality in the different contexts in which they evolve.
The skills that result from these situations will be useful to children for their emotional development, social interactions and managing difficulties in adult life.
Among the things parents can do to make this maturation process as productive as possible, there is one that may seem obvious but that makes all the difference: act toward children the way we would like them to act when they interact with each other.
This is what is advocated in the scientific field by the theory of social learning of the Canadian psychologist Albert Bandura , according to which human beings learn by observing other people who are called models .
The role of parents: emotional education
Observing the adults around them may not be enough to help children learn conflict resolution strategies. Knowing a little about children's brains is essential to understanding some of their behaviours and reactions.
Neuroscience shows that the emotional part of the brain, that is, the part that manages emotions, is complete from birth. In contrast, the rational part – whose fundamental role is the selection of behaviours, self-regulation and self-control – has only just developed around the age of 20. In other words, children have a lot of emotions, but no one can control them.
Children may not have enough strategies to solve their problems on their own. In this case, it is important for parents to act as mediators by offering them guidelines so that they gradually integrate them into their behavioural repertoire and eventually become able to manage problems on their own.
Here are some points to consider in this mediation:
- Stay calm. It is important for parents to serve as role models for their children. Therefore, maintaining a calm demeanour will help children establish appropriate patterns of emotional and behavioural regulation.
- Give the child time to calm down their emotional side and let the rational side take over. Adults, when they feel a very intense emotion (especially a negative one), also need a moment to self-regulate emotionally.
- Do not take sides with either child.
- Accept children's emotions without judging them. Even if the emotions are negative, it is helpful for children to experience all kinds of emotions.
- Label emotions. It is necessary for children to identify and understand the emotion they are feeling so that they can regulate it later.
- Encourage empathy: “How do you think your brother is feeling right now?”
- Foster assertive communication.
Times of conflict are critical to determining what is not working in the relationship. Assertive communication is essential, meaning being able to clearly express your feelings and needs without disrespecting or putting the other person down.
However, in some situations, parents must intervene directly (violent arguments, abuse between siblings, etc.). In these situations, it is important to remain calm, separate them and wait for them to integrate the emotions they are feeling so that you can then apply the strategies mentioned above.
This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license.
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