when-adoption-is-a-social-compulsion

A child of five, separated from a small-town family of Madhya Pradesh, gets adopted by an Australian couple. Twenty-five years later, he takes the help of his foggy childhood impressions and Google map to trace down his biological family. “Lion”, a celluloid story based on the autobiographical account of Saroo Brierley, brought into focus the emotional weight and conflict adopted children go through in their quest for belonging. While the adoptive family provides all means and comforts of a normal life; it often fails to diminish their yearning for their biological roots. This film brought about the conflict of an adopted child; treating it with respect and sensitivity.

 

While geographical displacements alone have given birth to a new genre of diaspora literature and films, almost an absence of books and other source materials on the challenges of adoption leaves adoptive parents and children with no reference points. Most adoptive parents are left to their own devices to nurture a child who is uprooted and, in most cases, has undergone the trauma of separation from his/ her biological parent. The insensitivity attached to the status of adoption in Indian families is reflected in lighter jibes like, “tujhe to mummy sadak se utha kar lai thee” (mom picked you up off the street). 

 

In agrarian-based cultures, where fecundity is not just a virtue, but worshipped in different forms; infertility is regarded as a curse. Therefore, adoption of children comes with socio cultural baggage with ramifications—for both—the adoptive family and the child. 

 

The willing/ unwilling mother

 

In several cases, women are manipulated to adopt a stranger child. In the absence of any psychological and emotional preparation, it leads to complications. In most cases, families force adoption after other means like IVF etc fail. A man without a progeny is still seen as a man lacking virility in many parts of India. In majority of cases the fact of adoption is concealed, not only from the adopted child but also from the society. The lies are stretched often to save man’s legitimacy over property rights.

 

Usha adopted a girl child nine years ago against her wishes. “I wanted my own child and I wanted a son, I always saw myself holding my son but my husband pushed me to adopt. The agency showed three girls, we adopted a dusky looking child—close to our looks. We moved from Hyderabad, our native place, because I could not handle constant probing and nudging to have a child from our relatives. We had a love marriage after seven years of courtship. We moved to Chandigarh so that after two years we could return and show the baby as our biological child.”

 

“Frankly speaking when she came to me, I was not prepared in any way but over the years I developed a bond while nurturing her. A mother is prepared for a child after nine months of pregnancy still so many women suffer postpartum depression—mood swings, crying spells, anxiety attacks, lack of sleep etc. because a child changes everything. Moreover, I was working. I managed everything, though it was very stressful for me.” Usha and her husband went through a divorce two years ago. She also alleges her husband’s emotional manipulation of the child; he vouches for his love in the child’s presence; in her absence he disowns it. It affects the child’s emotional stability.

 

Another couple from Himachal Pradesh adopted a girl child, while the wife Geeta, a doctor by profession, was not willing to adopt. She succumbed under pressure when her husband told her about the need to have an inheritor for the vast property his father owned. Five years later, his wife filed for a divorce. The legal battle went on for a 10-year-long stretch—moving from one counsellor to another, appointed by the courts to speed up the divorce. All this while the child was growing confused and at times neglected. She developed her own set of insecurities, suspicion and distrust for all around her. 

 

Early adoption

 

“It is very important to mentally prepare the family before adopting because people may have varied reservations for the child,” says Dr Simmi Waraich, practising psychiatrist. Lack of social welfare networks and rapid urbanisation that results in a growing number of single individuals has pushed the need for adoption, she says. Many people are adopting late in life and they prefer adopting grown up kids, which causes more complexities.

 

There is no mechanism to assess how the kids and the parents adjust to the challenges after adoption. There is a mandatory formality for the first three months visit by the adoptive agency’s representative, thereafter no one bothers to check or help the adoptive family. In many cases, she adds, kids are sent back to the orphanage due to their unsettling behaviour. Often, children adopted late suffer more from psychological and emotional issues.    

 

The complexity of adopted children is usually rooted in the care system—in the many orphanages spread across the country.  Despite guidelines for care and hygiene standards on paper, children under their care are neglected. Most children are underweight and under nourished, when they come for adoption. As such, many of these children are born of neglected or clandestine pregnancies; they carry the health and related psychological issues to their adulthood.

 

“Most (children) will have experienced abuse, neglect, and disruption in their early lives. Children who are adopted later are at greater risk of accumulating pre-placement risk factors that increase their likelihood of later emotional and behavioural problems. Therefore, agencies suggest adopting a child between one to five months of age,” according to a study conducted by the National Library of Medicine, Cambridge.

 

Also read: Women continue to pay the deadly price of patriarchy

 

Adopted children, they found, are more likely to exhibit emotional problems such as anxiety, depression, withdrawal and behavioural problems like attention issues and conduct disorders. But resilience and patience have shown better results in restoring normal family dynamics which is often disrupted by adoption.  

 

 Girls favoured

 

Adoptive agencies claim gender preferences are changing when it comes to adoption. In urban areas people prefer to adopt a girl child. The fact is, more girl babies are abandoned. In many cases, the third child, if it happens to be a girl in a family, is given away for adoption. According to the Economic Survey, 21 million girls were unwanted in India, in 2018. The shocking statistic was arrived at by studying the sex ratio of the last child (SRLC), which continues to be heavily skewed in favour of the male child.

 

Responding to an RTI appeal, CARA (Central Adoption Resource Authority), stated that there were 4,170 children available for adoption in 2017-18 — 2,547 girls and 1,623 boys. Of these, 3,846 children were adopted, while 324 were not. Even if the 324 children were all girls, it would still mean that more girls were adopted. Similar is the case for 2016-17 when 4,130 children were available for adoption — 2,466 girls and 1,664 boys. Of these children, 3,788 were adopted and 342 were not. Again, even if these 342 children were all girls, it would still mean that more girls were adopted. It is obvious, the reason behind more girls being adopted is, more girls are available for adoption.

 

In the emotional conflicts between adoptive parents and the child, often, it is the mother who is at the receiving end of blame and resentment. It is strange how the adoptive child often equates the adoptive mother to the mother who abandoned him/ her. Because of the many stereotypes society has been wheeling for centuries—need for a mother to be self- sacrificing and forever being forgiving is among the most easily acceptable. Most adoptive children continue to blame their biological mothers for their abandonment in adulthood. Though, under the Indian system, the identity of biological parents is concealed from children as well as from adoptive parents. 

 

Indu Singh, former employee of the woman and child welfare department, managed to get a girl child after a few hours of her birth for adoption. She was married a second time and was nearing 40. She was enthused and filled with love for the newborn, who was very weak and premature. She needed full-time care. She raised the child as her own, developing a deep bond. When the child was mature enough to understand the delicate issue, they shared with her the truth of her adoption.

 

Many years later, Indu regrets sharing the truth. “It is very hurtful to experience the resentment and hatred and bad mouthing targeted at me. She has become full of suspicion, mostly about the transfer of our property to her. We have taken her to counsellors. Now, I have resigned to my fate. You may not necessarily receive love in return. It is my destiny. She will have her own emotional journey; I have my own. I have stopped being expressive about love though.”     

 

Nirupama Dutt, noted journalist and writer who adopted a girl child many decades ago says, things have improved a lot now since women like her adopted babies because they did not wish to enter matrimony. She also added, her adopted daughter, who is now an adult, does not like to talk about adoption.

 

This writer’s request to a couple of adopted children to give their side of the story was met with silence. Most names in this feature had to be changed on request of the parents to protect the adopted child’s identity. Society is not yet ready to talk about adoption openly.

 

By Vandana Shukla